Saturday, 2 April 2011

"I want I want I want..."

It's a phrase that seems to be constantly escaping from my lips and I always hate myself when I hear them pass. I told Griff that I feel so ashamed for wanting things and he said it was weird and he doesn't see me like that at all.

It's not even possessions (sometimes). For example, since we are moving back to South Carolina for a bit I would really love to finish my degree at USC Upstate. I had started with a Major in History (Secondary Education). I have about 2 years worth of credits, but I didn't really start in the education classes. I would like to pick up and switch it to a degree in English. Most of the credits I already have would transfer. Then I also found that USC Upstate also does graduate programs in BOTH Library and Information Studies AND Film and Culture Studies. I want both of those. Why do I want so many degrees?

In the picturesque bubble in my head of the future I would love to:
-work part time in a Library
-teach part time Film Studies at a University
-research and publish articles about film/television and fandom.

That is what I would love to do. But 1 degree and 2 Masters would cost so much money and take time. I'm 28...I'll be 29 at the end of the summer. There is so much I want to do in life and I hate that all of those things cost money. Griff still wants to get his degree as well, so at some point I will have to work to help that dream become a reality for him as well.

I know a lot of this has been brewing in my head because I miss school. A lot. I am completely immersed in watching Supernatural at the moment and I don't have an outlet to discuss it like I would when I was at Uni. I miss choosing a topic and researching the hell out of it and having discussions with professors about things I never considered.

Sure, sometimes I want a new pair of shoes or a dress or skirt or new yarn...
I want to find our home and start putting it together.
I want to see so many places in America...I'm ashamed there is so much of Europe we didn't take the time to see and it right next door.
I want a perfect childhood for my son.
I want another baby.
I don't want another baby.
If you say it over and over it starts sound like just a horrible, whining noise.
I want everything.


Stephie C said...

right there with ya sister! I can always think of a whole slew of things I WANT. It is an awful beast. You wanting education though is not a bad thing at ALL! That is amazing! I want an education but don't really want to put forth the work to accomplish it LOL. I will get my masters in mental health counseling but like you I think working in a library or owning a used book store would be so rad too.....oh and don't even get me started on owning my own artsy vintage boutique.....

Ashley said...

When Griff and I met our "dream" was to own our own used bookshop and live above it. I think that would be more possible if we stayed in the UK. In the US the competition with chain bookstores is so fierce! I know one indy used bookshop and she has to sell USED books at market price to stay in business. Books are hard work but GOD I LOVE THEM SO.

I guess part of my guilt comes from already having 1 degree and planning 3 (!?!?!) more and Griff has yet to get his first. I love school.